John Dies at the End
by David Wong
genre: paranormal, adult*
You should not have touched this book with your bare hands.
NO, don’t put it down. It’s too late.
They’re watching you.
My name is David Wong. My best friend is John. Those names are fake. You might want to change yours.
You may not want to know about the things you’ll read on these pages, about the sauce, about Korrok, about the invasion, and the future. But it’s too late. You touched the book. You’re in the game. You’re under the eye.
The only defense is knowledge. You need to read this book, to the end. Even the part with the bratwurst. Why? You just have to trust me.
The important thing is this:
The drug is called Soy Sauce and it gives users a window into another dimension.
John and I never had the chance to say no.
You still do.
Unfortunately for us, if you make the right choice, we’ll have a much harder time explaining how to fight off the otherworldly invasion currently threatening to enslave humanity.
I’m sorry to have involved you in this, I really am. But as you read about these terrible events and the very dark epoch the world is about to enter as a result, it is crucial you keep one thing in mind:
None of this is was my fault.
Why I Chose the Book
“This is the story of how I died,” narrates Flynn Rider at the beginning of Tangled. I didn’t take it seriously the first time I watched it, I mean who kills the romantic lead? Somehow, I’d completely forgotten about it by the time Flynn actually dies. I was devastated! Also not embarrassed to admit I sobbed like a little baby in that scene. Wong transported me back to that memory with the title of his book and I was tempted to buy it from that alone. Thankfully I read the summary instead, because I was even more intrigued.
Summary reminded me of Jumanji.
Between the title and the summary, I couldn’t concentrate on the book I was reading and ended up pausing in the middle to start John Dies at the End. “Good marketing,” I thought, “I wonder if it was the author or the agent who came up with this ploy, wish I’d thought of something similar.”Needless to say, expectations were high.
There’s a very interesting puzzle to start the novel off, but it backfired slightly on the audio book because I was still pondering it as the narrator rolled on and I ended up needing to rewind. Whether I glossed over it in my excitement or it wasn’t in the summary, I didn’t know what genre John Dies at the End fell into. Despite the Jumanji undertones, I was somehow surprised it’s a paranormal book. Even more interesting, it’s written in first person as David Wong as if pulled from the pages of a diary. All in all, it was a great start.
This is possibly the second to worst book I’ve ever read. I hate stupid characters. I absolutely despise characters who make wildly stupid and reckless decisions like: when I’m on drugs, I can hear my dead friend talking to me through a hot dog. I should take more drugs to continue listening to my friend’s voice, drive to a dead guy’s trailer, and climb down a hole burned through the floor. That sounds like a spectacular idea.
John does not die at the end. The book should have been titled “A Series of Unfortunate Decisions.” I’ve never been a fan of paranormal, but when I do read it, I prefer it to be in the realm of believable. I like the unexplained, but there are certain rules of physics that should be bent and not broken. Cinder is the one and only novel with aliens that I would consider rereading.
Do not get sucked in! “David Wong” must have had a brilliant marketing agent because there’s no way the title and blurb came from the author. Sorry Mr. Pargin.
1 out of 5 stars only because I still refuse to give any book a 0.
Randomness You Might Find Interesting
David Wong is the pen name of Jason Pargin, a National Lampoon contributor and editor in chief of Cracked.com.
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