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babies, breast feeding, family, gwen harwood, in the park, life, motherhood, mothers, nature, poetry, spiders, writing
In the Park
by Gwen Harwood
She sits in the park. Her clothes are out of date.
Two children whine and bicker, tug her skirt.
A third draws aimless patterns in the dirt
Someone she loved once passed by – too late
to feign indifference to that casual nod.
“How nice” et cetera. “Time holds great surprises.”
From his neat head unquestionably rises
a small balloon…”but for the grace of God…”
They stand a while in flickering light, rehearsing
the children’s names and birthdays. “It’s so sweet
to hear their chatter, watch them grow and thrive,”
she says to his departing smile. Then, nursing
the youngest child, sits staring at her feet.
To the wind she says, “They have eaten me alive.”
I studied this poem for high school and I thought I’d share it with the blogosphere. I love it. The finale just makes me ache. I really enjoy Gwen Harwood’s work.
I believe the poem was written/published in 1968. The darker tones on motherhood are intriguing. The final words of the poem remind me of this documentary I once watched. There was a species of spider where the female would lay her eggs, and once they hatched she waited for them to feed. But they would crawl over the mother, and in sacrifice, the mother spider wouldn’t fend off her babies as they bit at her. This way she can ensure they have that vital first meal, without it her babies have a minimal survival rate. They eat her alive and it’s seen as one of the ultimate sacrifices of a mother (I think the program was something like ’10 Greatest Mothers’ within the animal kingdom. I love the Discovery Channel 😀 <3).
We don’t know why this mother (in the poem) feels this way about her children but it feels dishearteningly real. It feels authentic. I am a woman who has never felt the raw appeal of being a mother. I am still young and even if I wanted kids I would still wait a few years. But even in my future I don’t really want them. I know that many people have thought they didn’t want children when they were young but after having children they think their the best thing in the world. But of course they do. If you are a good parent how can you regret having children? I may not want children but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love my friend’s babies, the babies in the family etc. I know if I had children I would love them. It’s amazing to see another human grow.
But, what about the mothers (and fathers) who don’t feel that same fulfillment? What about those who simply feel hollow and used? Those issues may not be BECAUSE of the children, there are always so many factors at work, and maybe it’s a fleeting feeling, but there must be people who feel like that. Women didn’t always have other outlets, for many children was the only thing that was ‘rightfully’ theirs to be responsible for.
This poem was made in the 60s and although feminist waves were rolling through it was a time of change and confusion, in terms of gender roles (I’m talking about Australia [and maybe America?] because Gwen Harwood was Australian, I don’t know the feminist time-line for the entire globe. And I’m probably only half-right anyway :P).
I love the image of her nursing the child, and whispering to the wind that killer phrase, knowing that no one will ever hear her words. Maybe it’s the side of me that loves that kind of sad/morbid/dark story. But it fits so well. Mothers/fathers raise children with their best efforts (or so they should). Mothers, especially stay home mothers, not only raise the children and support them mentally, emotionally and in more modern times, financially, but also provide raw nutrients from her own body. She has a baby growing inside of her, she sacrifices that body for those 9 months, endures a day of painful labour and for months later she breastfeeds that child. Even in the modern day that happens. (I am pro-breast feeding, I know some mothers aren’t or put the baby on the bottle ASAP. That is another thing to discuss in the future. :P) It’s so raw. So primal. Mothers let that baby absorb, suck and take what it needs to survive. Some mothers might find total fulfillment and happiness with their children, but others may not.
While there are many happy children and happy mothers/fathers, I like how this poem explores the mother whose life didn’t turn out as she expected ‘time holds great surprises’ and whose children have eaten them alive.
Like/dislike the poem? What do you think of mothers (and fathers) who feel they have been ‘eaten alive’?
– Ermisenda Alvarez
Ermilia 
Me? Judge poetry? As if. I can’t like or dislike it, I can only have a reaction. I do kinda like the ABBA rhyme scheme.
I get the feeling she is a single mother, probably with an impoverished lifestyle. This is her third time nursing, so it looks nothing like in the picture. 🙂 A man she once dreamed might be their father happens by and they talk. She imagines he’s grateful he’s not stuck with her and her kids, so she pretends she’s happy with the way things are. When he’s gone she feels like they stopped her from a happier encounter.
I might want kids. I have no desire to be her. Haha, nor to be eaten alive!
Haha, I chose the picture because it was one of the first I saw that had a woman breast feeding without showing too much breast (in case readers would be offended :P). I think that’s probably a very good interpretation. Thanks for leaving a comment. 🙂
Having been a single mother of two, I totally empathize with the feeling of the poem. Even when both parents are involved, moms often end up feeling as if their lives and selves have been lost in service to their children. Nevertheless, I have never regretted having my kids (well, maybe when they were teenagers). I don’t know how it is for people who didn’t really want children, as I did want them. As far as those moments when you feel eaten alive, they do pass, usually when you are presented with a grubby bouquet of crushed flowers and a toddler’s smile.
LOL! And then comes the phone call from the neighbor whose garden is missing those flowers. Yes, I was that girl. Look Mama, see what I brought you! 😀 God he was pissed!
But really, “moms often end up feeling as if their lives and selves have been lost in service to their children” …part of what I was trying to say without the experience to say it.
Well said. Thanks for voicing your thoughts, Sherilyn. I think practically all parents would have one of those ‘eaten alive’ moments but of course, for most it’s also only a fleeting thought/feeling. The image of a crushed bouquet with a toddler’s smile sounds adorable. 🙂
This is a very beautiful and sad one.
I cannot say why she said it, but I can give you an example.
I love my children and would die if something ever happened to them. As long as I live, I would give my life for them and walk through hell to protect them. Nothing will ever change that.
I knew when I was young, I wanted a large family like my Grandmother did. I honestly did not realize the hard work and heartache involved. Sleepless nights do not stop after the baby years. They kick back in during the teenage years, due to the worry of keeping them safe, not pregnant, away from negative peers, drugs, sex, and alcohol. Then on top of this, there is school, college, morals, values, teaching them financially, broadening their nurturing skills, which is a skill in itself trying to teach this to them. I am constantly thinking of things I need to teach them or explain. Raising three children consumes you and barely leaves you time for much else.
I thought their Dad and I would grow old together and maybe in a far distance away, have grandchildren. He was killed right before our oldest graduated from high school. The fear of raising them without him ate me alive.
Although my situation is completely different, I want to be clear, I do not feel as if they are holding me back. However, I think she silently feels they are a barrier keeping her from her love.
I hope that makes sense.
As far as, how I feel about parents feeling they have been eaten alive, one of my first articles I wrote on my site talks about this same situation, from a true story. It is called Your Children Need You. It tells the story of when I found a little boy. His mother did not want him. It still, years later, rips my heart out when I think about it. He will forever be in my mind and on my heart. The difficulties he will face are unthinkable.
This is truly a great post. I am looking forward to reading more from you.
God, I am just pouring tears. Maybe that is just what I was meant to do in this world.
My first reaction was, “Can we go back about 15 years and you be my mom?”
I try so hard to forget these things. I found a boy. He wasn’t little. Actually a lot bigger than me. I had to stop because he was in my way blocking the street. I got out to look. Blood was pouring out of his head into a pool on the asphalt. It looked like there was a hole in his head the size of a quarter. It was nighttime and I had to bang on the doors and windows of 4 houses before someone would even talk to me through a cracked bathroom window… because I was crazy. Damn it!
Eventually, police came and I spent two hours proving I didn’t hit him with my car. Seriously. Two hours. Eventually, he lived and the story that came out in the paper was so ugly I don’t even want to share it.
His parents treated me like I was responsible when I tried to find out how he was. Did I save his life? Or did I condemn it back to parents who don’t know what, “Your Children Need You” means?
Ann, I was smiling and laughing at all your replies, and then I read this one. Oh…my…goodness!!!! You poor thing. You try to help someone and then you become the victim. What is wrong with people?! I just don’t get it. The unnecessary drama and pain people cause.
I am shocked that he lived and though it didn’t turn out pretty, feel grateful you found him or he may not have made it. Did you ever find out how he got in that shape to begin with? In the middle of the road, head bleeding and open. If you ever found my child that way and you saved their life, you would forever be my hero!!!! Much hugs and love to you!
I am blown away, just like I was when I found Joshua. He still remembered his mom’s number six years after she gave him up. When I called her and told her I found him, she did not want him home and he was only 12. If I could have reached through that phone, I probably would be in jail.
To answer your question, you saved his life. He could have laid there and bled to death or gone into shock, who knows, he could have become brain dead. You did everything right. The parents may not have known who to blame, and just lashed out at the first person available, which in my book, they should have been searching to find out how it happened, instead of not taking your word. Most people who hit a child and stops, will feel so terrible, that apologies just roll out. They will be explaining how it couldn’t have been avoided. It doesn’t take a scientist, to read guilt on someone. You weren’t guilty and were probably displaying shock, fear, and uncertainty. Big difference. On the other hand, if they were truly loving parents, they were in shock to, and probably didn’t notice or hear anything other than their child was hurt.
Did you respond back to the paper to clear your name or did you just let it go? Either way shows major bravery on your part. I wish you the best in being able to let go of the nightmare, if you haven’t already. God knows the truth, and you know the truth, and that’s all that really matters in the end. xoxo
Ann, as far as being your mom, read one of my mistakes I made below, to Ermilia, and then decide for yourself. lol I am no where near perfect. I was one of those mom’s in the hospital that expected a guide when they were born. What?! You just walk in here and leave them with me?! You don’t say anything except here’s your beautiful child?! Wait, don’t go!…and the nurse walks out smiling. We have to learn on our own, and that is a scary, scary thing when they depend on us to live.
I’ll never forget my first daughter being born, I was so nervous. I had no clue how to feed her, change her, hold her, nothing. They brought her in when the rest of the family had gone home to shower or down in the cafeteria eating, I was all alone. I was sort of stressing out, looking around, trying to figure out what to do. I saw baby bottles with formula on her cart, diapers, wet wipes, burping pads, which at the time, I didn’t even know they needed burping, or that we needed to protect our clothes, and some other things I had no clue about. I was looking at each one, examining them like they were diamonds, trying to figure out what to do, when a rat ran across the floor! I almost had a heart attack. Oh no!!! I’m not having a rat around my baby!!! Nurse!!! Come get my daughter!!!! Then I started thinking, NO!!! There could be a rat in the nursery. I can’t send her in there to lay alone. It was on then. She was tightly in my arms. I made them call an exterminator, and my mama-ing days began. However, I still wished everyday, I had a step-by-step guide I could follow. Parenting is truly the hardest job anyone will ever have, and the best one.
Even though I have made mistakes, I do tell my kids, the oldest is now 21, the youngest is 13, that I love them a MILLION times a day. At their age, they don’t want hugs and kisses, but I steal them anyway. I love rolling the window down in the carpool line, in the morning at school, ONLY WHEN I NO NO-ONE ELSE IS IN EAR SHOT,and telling them, I love you. They get embarrassed, but always smile back. That moment… that’s the beauty in parenting, when your heart swells. They are my heart.
Wow, I thought this post was slowing down. How wrong was I? I’ll just add two short answers.
Someone hit him in the head with a hammer so hard the blood was coming out of a bruise! They were arrested and charged.
A mom who makes mistakes is better than a mom who isn’t there for her kids. Anyway, there aren’t any moms who don’t make mistakes. 🙂
Thank you Christine for voicing your thoughts and experience. It was a tragic and touching story. I can’t imagine the fear of having to raise three children on your own. It must have been terrifying and would still be. when you have children, I agree, that the sacrifics are never ending because children turn into teenagers, and then adults. I remember hearing from the parents of my partner who commented once, ‘When your children are little, you have little problems but when they become teenagers, adults, there are bigger problems.’ You never stop being a parent.
I agree I think the mother in the poem feels like the children are a barrier between her and love.
It is true that seeing or knowing a child whose mother (or father) did not want them is heart-breaking. I, even without wanting children, could never abandon a child once I bore it. Even if my siblings had a child and wanted to discard it, I would take it as my own. Even if they would ‘eat me alive’ I couldn’t imagine the pain and guilt that would burn me alive if I abandoned my children (hypothetically).
Anne, that is another horrible story. That is also part of the problem, even when we try and help these children, are we really helping them if we send them back to negligent parents? Even though there is so much that can be done to help children who don’t have parents who have sacrificed for them, there is also, at times, so little.
Hi Ermilia! Your in-laws are so right, you never stop being a parent. Please don’t tell my mother that though, I’m 40 and she still thinks I’m 20 and need her daily advice! She has way too much time on her hands! 🙂 God bless her soul, I do love her.
Although you aren’t ready for children, you obviously will be an awesome mother. The love inside you already shows.
I couldn’t imagine the pain and guilt either, of giving one up. I already live with guilt of stupid little things I have done wrong over the years, raising them. I will give you one example. When they were all between the ages of three and twelve, we were in the kitchen and they were bickering off and on for a couple of hours. It became worse, and I tried getting them involved in something else, tried ignoring it, tried changing the subject, tried explaining they weren’t acting nice, etc., anything I could think of to calmly turn the situation around. They got louder and were obviously tuning me out. I was unloading the dishwasher at the time, and when I reached down to take out a plastic plate, the kind you can actually bend, I said I have had enough, all of you just hush right now. When they didn’t I flung the plate across the room like a frisbee and all three ducked down instantly under the table, their eyes were huge.You could have heard a feather drop. It was a pretty big kitchen, so it didn’t hit them, thank God. They all peaked up over the table and then they took off to their rooms. Instant scatter. I felt so bad, but couldn’t help but laugh. They laugh about it now to, but I regret that I showed them to loose control. Now, they say don’t make mama mad when she’s unloading the dishwasher!…but they still bicker sometimes even being older, so it didn’t work. lol Every once in a while they’ll say, you remember that time mom almost played frisbee on our heads, and they all bust out laughing. You gotta love them, is something I say A LOT. 🙂 I am learning to let my mistakes go, but I still think of them sometimes, and it urges me to do better. We get mad and raise our voice, or make snappy decisions, but to give one up…wow. That’s just cruel.
I thought the same thing about Ann’s story. Were the parents negligent? I kept that part to myself in the reply, but it was there in my mind. I cannot say why he was alone and bleeding since I was not there, and we cannot be with our children at all times. For instance, if my child is at a friend’s house and they live on a cul-de-sac, they probably play in the road. It can very well happen to anyone. On the other hand, was this child left to roam the streets, on his own? Such a sad situation.
Like the poem. I think the message is that when you have kids, you sacrifice everything for them; and while that often can be wonderful, and you’d do anything to protect and care for them, you still realize that you’re stuck in place—your children have taken over your life, you have little time left for yourself, and all your energy is siphoned into nurturing them and watching them grow … living through them as your life, in a way, ends. Kind of reminds me of the mother in The Bridges of Madison County, to be honest—and maybe that’s why I understand it. Definitely recommend the film, if you haven’t seen it. It’s a forbidden romance movie, but even if you can’t stomach that sort of thing, it’s probably the best of the genre.
Anyway, great post. And trust me: I used to be in your situation. I generally am not a kid person, but I think it’s different when they’re your own. I never wanted kids and couldn’t see myself having them until I met my boyfriend, who is Mr. Right for Me, and I’m Ms. Right for Him. So yeah, things can definitely change there, and you might not even see it coming—I didn’t. But now I definitely want children, and I look forward to having them someday. 🙂
Thank you, Stephanie. 🙂 My thoughts may change, it wouldn’t surprise me if they did. Life takes so many unexpected twists and turns. I haven’t seen that film, I should put it on my list.
That’s a great way of putting it – ‘all your energy is siphoned into nurturing them and watching them grow’ and I think that sometimes mothers may feel unhappy that they, themselves as individuals, are not growing anymore, even if they are. We all want to get better at things, to succeed in more areas but if all your energy is ‘siphoned’ into your children, we might feel a level of contempt, this sensation of ‘being eaten alive’ because there is no immediate gain for yourself. I might be stating it rather bluntly and with technicalities rather than sugar coating it but I think that’s part of it. Thanks for voicing your thoughts too! 😀
That is one of my favorite movies! Great choice Stephanie. Don’t you just want to push them together? 🙂
This is the second sonnet I have come across this breakfast-time, and it’s a cracker! Sonnets are one of my editorial specialities – I have been associate editor of ‘Sonnetto Poesia’ magazine, which unfortunately has had to close down, and am currently associate editor of a forthcoming sonnet anthology which looks like it’s going to be 300+ pages long. Plus I used to write the damn things incessantly! 🙂
As I said, this one is a cracker. It is so rare to find a well-written modern sonnet. 1960s is relatively modern. Thanks for posting it.
M
Sonnets are lovely. I’m glad you think its a cracker. No worries, kvennarad, thanks for reading it and leaving a comment. 🙂
I’ve studied a poem by Harwood last year and will be studying a couple this year, and I’ve been told that Harwood despised being a housewife and mother, and this poem is proof of that. Also in Burning Sappho a line goes, “Inside my smile a monster grins / and sticks her image through with pins” that totally shows how she actually almost HATES her kids.
And it’s interesting to make connections between all of Harwood’s works. I think she dislikes having kids because they have taken over her life and has stopped her from achieving her dream, or accomplishing what she wanted to do with her own life. I think that to her, being a parent requires too many sacrifices, and is just not an enjoyable activity. In Burning Sappho she also mentions the need and want to write, but each time she starts she is interrupted by either her child, her friends or her husband. So to me that’s it: to Harwood, having children and being a typical housewife bans her from fulfilling her dreams …
Thanks for this insight, Eliza. I didn’t know these things. It puts the poem into perspective when you bring in the context. I think you’re right, by the sounds of it she feels that having children and being the housewife does ban her from fulfilling her ambitions. Thanks for commenting and sharing your wisdom! 😀
Wow, Eliza, I had no idea. Sometimes, i wish I could just put my heart on a shelf, so it wouldn’t hurt so much, when I think of children living with parents like that.
That is maddening. Ouch, my heart hearts now. That truly makes me tear up to think of those babies, and to announce to the whole world, you are unhappy with them, and you imagine sticking them with pins. I cannot imagine how they must feel.
I have never been a mother, but recently a cat we recently saved from a neglectful household had 4 beautiful little kittens. I absolutely love and adore them. I gave birth to them, I sat up with one of them the first two WHOLE nights trying to get him to feed because he wouldn’t, then supplement fed him for a little until he was strong enough to suck from his mother, and have basically watched them grow. It’s been an amazing experience… but my goodness a painful and stressful one too. It was heartbreaking when ‘little bro’ as we called him, wouldnt eat. We thought he was going to die (If they don’t feed for a certain amount of hours at that age their organs shut down), he looked so sick, so thin, and wouldn’t move. And that second night I just cried and cried, whilst trying to help him. I was astonished at how quickly your love for them comes… it seems to just appear out of nowhere. I was up ringing all hour emergency vets in the middle of the night, searching the internet for advice. I found a site… it wasn’t the most legitimate looking but it was the only helpful thing i could find until morning when I could go buy supplement. Mix sugar and water and feed that to him. And in desperation I took the risk. Then I felt an enormous amount of guilt and sadness because I thought I’d killed him. But it gave him the blood sugar he needed to move and have a bit of energy to feed so PHEW!
If I thought that was the end of the stress. I was wrong. I’d wake up in the middle of the night freaking out, terrified something had happened to them, dreaming their mother had sat on them and suffocated them. I’d have to run out and check on them. So many sleepless nights. Then when they were about a week old I had to go out with my family for something awesome (quad bike riding), but I could hardly enjoy it when I was worrying about them the whole day. It was so relieving to come home and see their beautiful faces 🙂
Now that they’re 4 weeks old and past those touch and go early stages of their lives I’m a lot less stressed, and spend most of my time playing with them and loving them. They sleep in my room atm though and sometimes they still wake me up through the night.
It hasn’t been easy. And I could never do it again. BUT. Despite the pain and the stress, I think it has been the best experience of my life thus far. I love them an irrational amount 😀 With children, this would be this times a kabijillion, for both the good and the bad. But… I think I now understand this poem on a deeper level. The kittens at least, did drain a lot from me. Cause me a lot of anguish. These past 4 weeks I’ve barely left the house to go out with others (and I’m usually a really sociable person). Your whole life changes. Your priorities change. Friends although still important slide way way way down on your list in terms of what’s important. And there are times you sometimes ache to go to that darn Australia day party, but honestly… you’d rather spend it with the things you love most in the world (Obviously for me its not the most in the world because they’re kittens… not humans… but… yeh :P). You can’t have kids and do the things you used to do. You don’t have that liberty because you now have a responsibility, to these little things that rely on you so much. Which is why I suppose my mum really enjoys those few little holidays a year she gets away from us. xD
And Sharleen, I always told you I could adopt a baby out if I knew they were going to a good home. I can’t. :S With my kittens I have to unfortunately. But I will only give them to people I know, and know love their pets. Still it’s going to be excruciatingly hard… I could never do it with my own human baby.
And I know what you mean. The people we saved the cat from. I wish we could save their children. Unfortunately it’s a lot easier to take someone’s pet than it is their child. The little girl told me she wanted to go to uni and become a journalist. And my heart just broke. Because chances are due to the family she comes from she’ll become part of that same vicious circle, of drugs, sex, and kids before she’s even eligible for uni. I hope this isn’t the case. And kind of ask the world everyday to help keep her on a good path… But my god. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.
I never wanted kids. I think I was more anti-children than you. … Now I both want them even less and perhaps a little more. It’s so hard with kittens at times… this would be escalated so much with children… But so would the incredible times. And the love. You really don’t realise how irrelevant everything you used to think was so important and crucial to a full life of passion and adventure… until you have these little things that you adore.
I think… It might be an easier life without kids. And if you never know what it’s like to have them then you won’t know what you’re missing out on. But… I think if you were privy to the feelings of overwhelming love you would have for you child, and got to momentarily experience this feeling (somehow without even having kids) your life wouldn’t seem so… full any more. I suppose it’s kind of like how people find a whole new level of depth, meaning, and peace in their lives with faith, art, poetry, or writing. You’d find a whole new level of love.
Thank you Madame-Socks for your long, thoughtful response. I agree, I think it’s hard to talk about it if you haven’t experienced it. But saying that, most people who do experience it become swamped with these feelings of love and belonging. But… even saying that, I think if I was to exist in a world where children was my only outlet then I think I would also feel a sense of…resentment. I am someone who needs to do a lot in my life, I have so many passions and children may or may not be one of them. Even if they are, it’s one passion. Thankfully in this day and age, even if I was to have children I wouldn’t be “shackled” (or liberated?) by them, which may be what happened with Gwen Harwood.
Having to take care of a brand new litter of cats (or any other animal/pet) sounds like a great stepping stone into the troubles and highs of parenthood. 😛 These things we’re discussing is what comes with love. That’s the crux of the issue, along with attachment. Whether it’s romantic, children or pets, or even friends, there’s highs and lows to all of it. Some are easier to dismiss, some are less extreme, but in the end I don’t think we regret those kinds of experiences. The highs are so high that it makes up for the lows. At least…that’s what it’s been so far with my relationships with friends, pets and romantic partner. I guess… it’d be the same with children?
Thanks for posting!
Love that quote. Wandered over from Melanie’s blog.
It’s a pleasure to have you here, Donna. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.